Melancholia- Chapter 1

Through total and utter darkness, I found that I was somehow aware of a dull, stinging numbness all over my body. It bothered me enough that I blinked my eyes open only to reveal more darkness.
I couldn't see anything further than a couple of feet away, and so I saw my legs, covered in goose bumps below the water in the bathtub.
I saw the faucet dripping. I saw my plain, white dress billowing out in the cold water.
I blinked the droplets from my eyes, and willed myself to sit up, muscles burning from the cold.
I didn't immediately remember what had happened, or why I was lying in a bathtub full of icy water with my clothes on. All I knew was that I had never been so utterly frigid in all my life.
I struggled. I wanted answers, I wanted to remember… but even more than that, I wanted to get up and dry off. I wanted to feel something… Anything.
Water splashed out onto the piles of dirty clothes as I crawled out of the tub, allowing my cold, wet body to slump onto the floor, where I remained for an indeterminate amount of time, just catching my breath.
When the time finally came that the air conditioning kicked on and sent gusts of arctic air to collide with my already frozen body, I feebly reached out, feeling around for my towel, which I knew had to be around somewhere. My fingertips grazed a soft something, and with all my might, I yanked it down from where it was. Wrapping the towel around my body, I slowly began to stand on shaky legs, making my way over to the wall where I flipped on the light switch and leaned against the door frame for support, gazing at my ghostly reflection in the mirror. I was stone cold grey… My skin, my lips. How long had I been in that water? How was I not dead?
But as I looked closer, I noticed that it wasn't just my own face that seemed to be off…
The towel, draped over my shoulders… It should have been a lovely, coral pink, but instead, it was a dull, flat grey. I dropped it in surprise right before I noticed that everything all around me… The walls, the piles of laundry, the bath products… Everything was in greyscale, like an old photograph. I gasped and took a step back, blinking hard to make sure that there was nothing in my eyes. The room remained as grey and lifeless as it was a moment ago, and somewhere in my heart, disappointment washed over me like an icy wave.
How long was I in that damned bathtub? Had the water ruined my eyesight? Had the cold?
I shook my head, frowning, and left the bathroom, hoping it would be warmer in a room that wasn't so small.
Stepping into the hall, I was greeted by silence.
"Rosalie?" I called out, hoping for any signs that my daughter and brother were in the house. "Derrick?"
I poked my head into Rosalie's dark room, peering around. But the room was completely empty, save for a single stuffed bunny by the window sill. Frowning still, I pushed the door all the way open and stepped inside, where I grabbed the bunny and held him close. He used to be pink… and I sighed.
It alarmed me that Rosalie's room was empty. It confused me. But somehow, the emotion that I would typically feel in such a situation seemed to be eluding me. It was a tired feeling, like I simply didn't have the energy to panic… And maybe I didn't. But regardless, I knew that I had to find her.
Leaving the room, I closed the door behind me, and then peeked into the guest room, just so I could say that I did. But just like Rosalie's room, it was empty, only this time, there was no bunny rabbit as a consolation prize. Just emptiness, and nothing more.
Down the hall, I crept, dripping water as I went.
"Derrick?" I called, weakly. "You still here?"
There was no answer from my teenage brother, or from my 2-year-old daughter. The house was silent. I couldn't seem to figure out why everything else in my house seemed to be untouched and perfect, except for the rooms where they slept… And then, there was the fact that everything was colorless. I felt like I should scream, or cry… Maybe I should freak out, or have some sort of meltdown… But that numb, tired feeling kept me from acting, and I simply frowned for the umpteenth time as I pulled open my front door and stepped outside, wondering if maybe the two had gone for a walk around the neighborhood.
Sadly, for me, when I stepped outside, I was faced with the possibility that they weren't here at all. As it was, I seemed to be the only person in the world. This was not my neighborhood. My neighborhood was filled with the sounds of children playing, of people pulling wagons down the street… People walking their dogs, and joggers jogging…
Where I was when I stepped out of my house was not that place. No one was outside. No one was driving. And when I looked harder, I realized that other things were amiss… All of the beautiful flower gardens that people had been growing in their yards were now nothing more than piles of stones. Porches which used to be littered with grills and swings and potted plants, were all now empty. No wind chimes. No silly statues of gnomes, or flamingos. Everything was dull and pathetic.
I started down the stairs toward the sidewalk when it hit me.
The sound of my daughter screaming. The cold and burning of the water in my lungs as I forced myself under…
Was I dead? Was this my eternal punishment for taking my life? I stopped on the last step and just sat down, water still dripping down my face from my hair. I thought about crying, but why should I? This was my mess. I got myself into this. I did it to myself because I was selfish and not thinking, and surely now I get to spend the rest of time regretting it. Right? Because that is what I get.
But just on the off chance that I was reading too much into things, I stood once more and called out their names, answered only by the empty echo of my own voice.
Shaking my head, I turned around and went back in. I would call 911, and then I could find out once and for all if this was hell, or some kind of dream, or… whatever.
I trudged back to my room, where nothing was out of place in the slightest. My phone was still resting on my nightstand, plugged in and charging. I picked it up, dialed 911, and set it back down with loudspeaker on, as I finally lifted the heavy, wet dress over my head and tossed it into a laundry basket by the door.
The line rang as I opened my closet and located a fresh towel. It rang as I swept the soft fabric across my body, soaking up the remains of the water. It rang and rang as I stuffed myself into a fuzzy robe that used to be green. And just as I was about to disconnect the call, there was a small click, followed by a recorded female voice, sounding bored.
"Thank you for calling 911," she said. "There is no emergency, so please stay calm, and someone will be along to talk to you shortly. Have a day."
The message repeated itself once more, and then my phone beeped off as the line disconnected.
"Have a day?"
I sat down on the bed, confused and tired. Was I really in hell? I just heard another human voice, even if it was a recording… Surely for me, Hell would be lonely and empty, devoid of other people… At least, that's how I saw my own personal hell, since I had always had a sickening fear of being alone.
I allowed myself to lean back and rest my damp head on a pillow which was orange before.
If I wasn't in hell, then I must have been having a really cracked out dream…

The silence was overwhelming as I lay there on the bed, and it seemed to engulf me in a way that drowned out everything. I don't know how long I was there, just staring up at the ceiling, making subconscious pictures out of the arbitrary pattern. It was like I was inside another world within a world, and the only thing that called me back was an annoying sound, penetrating the silence.
It took me a few moments to actually acknowledge the sound and then identify it as someone beating impatiently on my front door.
Groaning slightly, I ran a hand across my face, rolled off the bed, and hurried toward the door, excited in a somehow subdued way, about coming in contact with another person.
I hesitated for just a moment as my hand touched the knob, realizing that I was unsure who I would meet on the other side. But the apprehension was just as dull as everything else, and before I knew it, the door had been flung open, and I was standing face-to-face with an unfamiliar girl. She was short, or at least, shorter than me, and she was Asian with long, black braids handing down over her ears.
"Deirdre?" she asked, peering at me. I took a step back, confused.
Sorry…" I said. "Do we, uh… do we know each other?"
"Ah," she said. "Well, not yet, I suppose… I'm Atsuko."
She stuck out her hand, which I tentatively took, shaking it lightly.
"I'm afraid I'm a bit late," she continued, letting go, and gazing past me into the dark house. "I should have been here as soon as you woke up, but I can see that you've been waiting on me for quite some time. I apologize, honestly. May I come inside?"
"Where is my daughter?" I asked, automatically. Atsuko bit her lip, looking past me again.
"I'm afraid you're not going to find her here," she said. "If you'll just let me in—"
"Are you holding them hostage?"
Atsuko laughed.
"Nothing like that," she told me. "Please, just let me in, and I promise that everything will be explained. Please?"
Frowning, I stepped back, holding the door as Atsuko followed me in. She removed her shoes and set them neatly beside the door, which I closed, before leading her toward my kitchen.
"Have you got any tea?" she asked. "I think it would be best if we talked things over with some tea. Don't you think? Tea always seems to help…"
I shrugged and opened the cupboard where I kept all my teas and other hot drink mixes. Without being able to see color, it was harder to find what I was looking for, and I frowned as I pulled out a few different packages, examining them.
"What kind of tea was it you wanted?" I asked. Atsuko sat down at my kitchen table smiling what seemed like a rather forced smile.
"Oh, I'll just have whatever you're having. Tea is tea, right?" She continued smiling that weird smile that made me feel like she wasn't really all too happy to be here. Me, I sighed and started the stove heating the kettle. I found two tea cups that were once a light, pastel blue, and placed a random tea bag in each. Then, I turned around, resting my butt against the counter and looked at the mysterious girl sitting at my table.
"Did you take her away?" I asked. "Because of what I did?"
Atsuko just shook her head.
"How do you feel, Deirdre?"
I tilted my head, opening my mouth to utter a response, but then stopped myself.
"May I ask how you know my name?"
"Just answer the question, please. We'll get around to that."
She looked very sincere, her almond shaped eyes piercing me.
For a moment, I thought.
"Well…" I said, looking around the room. "I suppose I'm feeling sort of numb, and maybe a bit tired…"
Atsuko smiled a slightly more genuine smile.
"Numb, you say?"
I nodded, turning back around to face the stove. The kettle was beginning to hiss slightly, and I knew that this was enough for the water to be hot, but not scalding. I flipped the knob back into the off position and poured some water into each cup before bringing them to the table and having Atsuko take her pick.
"Either is fine," she said, so I chose the mug in my right hand, passing her the one in my left.
At last, I sat down across from Atsuko and massaged my face in one hand.
"So you feel numb," she said, tinkering with the string on her tea bag. "Anything else?"
I sighed, not really knowing what else to say.
"Just numb," I told her. "I mean, confused, sure… Do you know what happened when I called 911?"
"I'm sure you got a recording, right? Telling you not to panic and all?"
I nodded, steeping my tea.
"'There is no emergency?' What if there really was an emergency? That's a ridiculous thing to say."
"But there are no emergencies here," said Atsuko, trying a sip of the tea. "The 911 line is really only there for new people like you, because just about everyone calls 911 when they first arrive. I can't say that I blame them, to be honest. It can be quite shocking."
I leaned forward a bit, trying to make eye contact.
"Now… What exactly do you mean, when you say 'here?'" I asked. "Where is 'here?'"
Atsuko nodded quickly, her mouth full of tea.
"That," she said, swallowing, "is what I'm here to talk to you about. I'm sure you've noticed that you're not at home."
I cocked my head, trying to focus on what she was saying.
"Well… I mean, it's all right, except for a couple of rooms…"
"I don't just mean your house," said Atsuko, resting her head in her hand. "Tell me you haven't noticed something just absolutely weird. Surely, something has to seem off to you."
I shook my head, slowly, looking away.
"I mean… the neighborhood isn't as lively as usual… People's gardens aren't really gardens anymore. Rock gardens, maybe, but…"
"Deirdre," said Atsuko. She picked up her teacup, holding it out in front of me. "What color would you say this is?"
I looked away immediately, the subject of colors putting a sour taste in my mouth.
"I think that's a blue one," I muttered.
"Really?" Atsuko looked at it closely. "It doesn't look blue to me… But I guess I wouldn't know since I've never seen blue."
I leaned in again, searching her face.
"What are you talking about?" I asked. "Can't you just be straight with me, please? I'm not really in a place to think very hard. I've kind of had a rough day."
Atsuko nodded, setting down the mug.
"You said you think it's blue? Why think? Shouldn't you know what color it is?"
"Not that it's related," I said, attempting to sound haughty, "but I recently developed an eye problem, or something. I haven't been able to see colors lately."
"Recently being… Since you woke up, right?"
I thought back, remembering the moment I noticed the change. I was standing in the bathroom, slumped against the wall, shivering… Wondering why I was soaking wet.
"Yeah…" I said. "Now that you mention it… That's when it started, yes. But how do you know, anyway? I mean… Like, why do you know things about me?"
"We've established that you're not at home," said Atsuko, "and we both know what you tried to do to yourself. So, can you put two and two together and maybe try to tell me what's going on?"
I shook my head again and again. Everything seemed like a puzzle which I was much too lazy to piece back together.
"Am I in Hell?" I asked. "Is this my punishment for what I did?"
"Tried to do," said Atsuko. "And punishment is quite the opposite of what this is. You are not in Hell, honey. This is an alternate universe, you could say. We call it Melancholia. There isn't anything wrong with your eyesight, either… There simply is no color in our world. When I said I had never seen blue, I meant it. I have been here my entire life."
"Why…" I fumbled over my words, trying to grab one of the many questions swimming around inside my head. "Okay. Why am I here? What is the point of this place? And why have you been here forever?"
Atsuko laughed, startling me.
"Slow down," she said. "Please be calm. I will answer all of your questions if you will just let me talk. Alright?"
I nodded slowly, bringing my cup to my mouth in the hope that it would prevent me from saying another word.
"You are here because you tried to take your life," Atsuko explained. "Tried is the keyword here. We were able to save you, and thus, you were brought here. You said you felt numb, yes? That is the whole point, Deirdre. Your emotions were in such a bunch that you felt there was no other way through than to kill yourself. But here, you cannot have those feelings, because, like the color situation, there aren't emotions, either. I'm sure you can agree that emotions can be quite troublesome, and for the sake of your recovery, you should feel as emotionless as possible. Understand?"
I nodded, loading my mouth with tea.
"But you will return," Atsuko continued. "Once you're ready and once you've fully recovered from your trauma, you will return home, and everything will be fine. You're only here to get better. And it sure beats an institution, don't you think?" She smiled. "It's just like home, only… with small differences. So… what do you think? Will you be okay?"
I shrugged, unable to find enough words to say what I really felt. Atsuko stood, suddenly and stretched.
"Thank you for the tea," she told me. "I think you probably need some personal time to come to terms with things, don't you? So I'll be on my way for now. I'll be here if you need anything."
She started toward the door, stepping into her shoes. So many words were fluttering around inside me, bursting to come out, and yet all I could say was "Wait…"
"Don't worry," Atsuko said. "I'll be around to answer some more questions later. See you around!"
And before I could utter another word, she was out the door, leaving me all alone in my empty, lonely house. I rolled my eyes, relocated the tea cups to the sink, where I vowed to wash them later.
Outside, the sun had gone down, and all that remained was the darkness, battling a few street lights. I just wanted to do something, but everything was inside out. Atsuko may not have known how much I really did need the company, but I thought, as I changed into some normal clothes, that she was definitely right about something…
I needed time to come to terms with things, and I figured the best place to start would be to explore my strange, new neighborhood. I felt no fear. All I felt was an unexpected nothingness, which I brought with me as I strapped on my shoes and walked out the front door into the night.